I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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