You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Come see our sink grown plant.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
