goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
