we have pet lesbian snakes
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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