i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
