This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
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Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
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I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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