She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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