I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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