evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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