When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
