About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
