I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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