Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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