Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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