if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Randomize
