I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
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