dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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