i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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