Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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