Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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