Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
