my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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