Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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