we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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