I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
