I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
