I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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