guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
