Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
