Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
