Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
