I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize