i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND