I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Randomize
