Texts From Last Night

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  (916): View more from California

  Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"

  (1-916): View more from California

  High five!

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  (916): Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?" (1-916): High five! http://tfl.nu/3w1i
  Replies (2) Good night (2561) Bad night (441)
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"

  (1-513): View more from Ohio

  You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.

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  (513): So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!" (1-513): You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks. http://tfl.nu/bvbo
  Replies (30) Good night (675) Bad night (1631)
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  (760): View more from California

  You did not just play the dead husband card again.

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  (760): You did not just play the dead husband card again. http://tfl.nu/xl50
  Replies (20) Good night (1071) Bad night (5355)
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?

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  (732): I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break? http://tfl.nu/m0ae
  Replies (8) Good night (3897) Bad night (803)
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  (716): View more from New York

  One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.

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  (716): One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl. http://tfl.nu/aaag
  Replies (16) Good night (5273) Bad night (967)
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  (850): View more from Florida

  I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity

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  (850): I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity http://tfl.nu/pmac
  Replies (6) Good night (3095) Bad night (1065)
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  (607): View more from New York

  The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?

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  (607): The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her? http://tfl.nu/qpjw
  Replies (11) Good night (1087) Bad night (3473)
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  (845): View more from New York

  That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...

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  (845): That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot... http://tfl.nu/l2p1
  Replies (3) Good night (2129) Bad night (650)
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.

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  (+44): That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard. http://tfl.nu/cdhm
  Replies (20) Good night (4801) Bad night (729)
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.

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  (440): Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis. http://tfl.nu/jmye
  Replies (7) Good night (1739) Bad night (559)
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"

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  (774): You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!" http://tfl.nu/sqoz
  Replies (4) Good night (1663) Bad night (459)
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...

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  (360): Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one... http://tfl.nu/mmlz
  Replies (2) Good night (779) Bad night (368)
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  (254): View more from Texas

  I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.

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  (254): I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here. http://tfl.nu/xtpc
  Replies (18) Good night (374) Bad night (1952)
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.

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  (360): Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve. http://tfl.nu/vuq2
  Replies (0) Good night (480) Bad night (132)
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  (408): View more from California

  I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.

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  (408): I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment. http://tfl.nu/3pv3
  Replies (1) Good night (253) Bad night (217)

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