How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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