I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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