I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
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you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
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The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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