I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
