I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
