Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
