At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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