I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
