While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
