Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
