I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
