I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize