My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
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Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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