we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
you never un-have a 4some
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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