I never want to see another naked old woman again.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
