Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
