I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
