Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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