Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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