I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
