Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
