Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Randomize
