Betty ford says i'm here all night
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
